Things, Stuff and Situations

*Peeks around corner*
     So....you know how you really want to write something and you have an idea of how you want it to sound but then the words come out and you temporarily lose your ability to see past your feelings and you stop for half a second at the end and consider everyone else's feelings regarding the subject and you hit "Publish" anyway, because, "EFF OFF FEELINGS!" No?? Just me then? Well....okay. Did anyone get a description of that masked Rant-er back there?? I maybe need a pop-up button that comes after I push "Publish" that says, "Are You Sure?" and then perhaps another, "Are You REALLY Sure?".
     That last post came out a little more....angry (?) than I wanted. A little more 'poor me' than I intended, maybe?
     Yes, a lot of years ago some stuff happened. A lot of stuff, actually. It started with a Thing, and then it turned into Stuff and it escalated to a Situation. And I guess what I am saying is, the Stuff was, yes, a long ride to Suckville on a CrapTrain, and removing myself from the Situation was very, very, painful but I made it out and I'm a better person for having lived through all of it. Though I do have to say that I was doubtful for awhile there that I would actually make it out in one piece. But I did. And today is sort of an anniversary of the beginning of all the Stuff, which was preceded by the anniversary of the Thing by four days. And I maybe have some lingering anger issues and possibly need a lot of therapy but that's not really news to anyone who knows me.
     Here's the thing, though, I was there, too. I have responsibility in all of the Stuff, and the Thing was all mine to live with, and so, I walked into the Situation with my 20ish year old eyes wide open. I don't like the idea that I'm putting something out into the world which places me in the role of 'victim' and erases any responsibility I had in the Situation. I was in my very early 20's, I was immature, over-dramatic, insecure and naive, but I made choices just like every other person involved in the Situation. When I got hurt, I acted in the way a young and inexperienced person reacts, I hurt back. Maybe the scars aren't the same......but I left scars. I didn't do the right things. I am not proud of who I was in those weeks and months. I've had to ask for a lot of forgiveness.
     The point is, I own what I did. Nobody forced my hand. I wasn't a great person and the reasons why I was behaving the way I did do not matter. The point is, I grew up. I learned. And I can not honestly say the same for other's that were involved in the Situation, but I know the very few things I have heard over the years have indicated to me that the same can not be said for all involved.
     I don't feel particularly sad about it. I don't feel.....anything about it, really. I feel like the best thing I can do is live a life I can be proud of, and have faith that God knows why he sent me into the Thing/Stuff/Situation and all will be revealed in His time. While I am waiting for those answers to be revealed to me, I don't want to play the victim. It was bad, then I (with MUCH MUCH HELP) fixed. it. And now here I am.
     So there. *WHEW* It's really, really tempting to press the delete button on both of these posts and crawl into bed and start all over tomorrow, but I think I won't. I am not sorry about the Thing. Not ever. Not even a little bit. I have many regrets about Stuff, and I never want to live through another Situation like that one again, but I am grateful for all of it, somehow, too.