A few weeks ago, I posted on Instagram that I had a great day. I did some things that usually make me uncomfortable, and they....didn't. So I celebrated the victory.
Every coin has two sides. A few weeks ago, anxiety didn't win the day. Sometimes it does. Yesterday was one of those times. I can't post about the victory if I don't also admit the defeats.
On my way to work yesterday morning, a semi pulled out onto the highway in front of me. The roads were wet from rain, and it startled me into a state of hyperawareness. I felt shaky and overwhelmed the rest of my drive to work. Which irritated me, because I was absolutely fine. There was no accident. I slowed down in plenty of time.
But suddenly, a perfectly good morning turned into a struggle of a day at work, where I quietly questioned my knowledge and abilities. I stood and convinced myself of all the old Anxiety Standby's: So and So is mad. Somebody thinks you're an idiot, etc, etc. And the hours ticked by until it was time to meet John at his doctor's appointment. He's dealing with a back injury, and while there was nothing earth shattering about the appointment, when he left the exam room to be taken for a CT scan, I was asked to wait in a waiting room. On it's own, there's nothing to think about. On a day like yesterday, I was fiercely aware that I was alone in the room and I had to pick a spot on the wall to stare at to avoid crying. What's taking so long? What if something happened? Am I in the right waiting area?
As expected, he came out eventually and all was well. Because we met at the office, I got in my car to head home while he finished a phone call. When I backed out of my space, I thought to myself, "I can not wait to be home where it's safe."
I hopped on one of the busiest streets in Omaha, headed for a safe space, traveling the speed limit, at 60mph. A car in the lane next to me decided to switch lanes. I veered right, trying to avoid him. But he was veering right to make the exit. So I slammed on my brakes and veered left and nearly lost control of my car. I have no good idea how there wasn't a collison. I'm sure that whoever or whatever was looking out for me had to take blood pressure medicine afterwards.
I got off at the next exit, in search of somewhere safe. I found a parking lot. I pulled into a spot far away from all the other cars. And I fell apart. Struggling to control my breathing, crying, shaking. I tried to call John. Straight to voicemail. I used the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 trick.
Five things I can see: I see grass, trees, pink flowers, the tail lights of a royal blue car....no...that's not right. Grass, trees, pink flowers, my phone in my hand, and the purple sparkles of my water cup.
Four things I can feel: the smooth skin of my shaved leg, the pain in my foot from stomping on the brakes....no. The smooth skin of my shaved leg, the ice pack from my lunch against my neck, sweat, my heart pounding, no air......no. Try again. The smooth skin of my shaved leg, the ice pack from my lunch on my neck, the roughness of the zipper of my purse against my fingers, my hands running through my hair.
Three things I can hear: Tires squealing. Nope. The wind, as it blows through the car windows, traffic from the nearby road, sirens.....STOP IT. The wind, traffic, my phone ringing.
Two things I can smell: cigarette smoke and cut grass. Ok.
One thing I can taste: my Wintergreen Life Saver.
Ok. Ok. Ok. I keep repeating to myself. You're ok. It's ok. Ok , ok, ok. Like a mantra, I struggled to ground myself back into reality. I answer the phone, and the second I answer, John hears that something is wrong and immediately asks where I am. I started crying again, ugly crying. I couldn't make words. I'm back to breathing too fast and too shallow and the phone disconnects and I do it all again.
Five things I can see: grass, trees, pink flowers, phone, purple cup
Four things I can feel: skin, ice, zipper, hair.
Three things I can hear: Wind, traffic, phone.
Two things I can smell: smoke and grass.
One thing I can taste: Life Saver.
Ok. Ok. Ok.
I called John back, He was already on his way towards me and is there before I know it. We parked and locked my car, I got in with him and tried to get on with the day. But I was so fucking angry! Who behaves like this? What kind of grown woman can't drive her own goddamn car? WHY does my brain do this? I am faithfully taking my medicines. I am limiting my caffeine intake. I felt defeated.
And I was defeated. Briefly.
But then, my son and his fiance came to help John get my car home, and she brought me a pink, metal flamingo and I decided to ride with them to get the car. On the way, they made me smile and laugh. When I got home I took my medicine and went to bed. I got up this morning, even though every muscle in my body was telling me not to, and I got in my car to go to work.
I was nervous to drive. I drove anyway.
At the end of the day, I was nervous to drive home, but I drove anyway. And when a little blue car cut me off while changing lanes.....my stomach dropped, but I kept driving. Ok. Ok. Ok.
I write this, not for sympathy, but because even though yesterday was a Win for anxiety, today was not. Today was ok. Tomorrow might be better. Ok?
