What I Wanted To Say

        As is often the case with me, a moment of my Saturday triggered something in me that I can't get out of my teeth. I've written this post at least fourteen times in my head since this afternoon, and so, I suppose I had better just come out with it so I can move on. 

        I went about my Saturday in a good mood, things are changing for me, and while some people find that a new year brings new goals, I have usually found that, for myself, things tend to change in the fall. Spiritually, I think it all has something to do with letting the things that no longer serve me fade away like the green on the leaves, but that's way too 'meta' for the post I am about to share with you, so I'll just say that things are changing and I was feeling pretty good about me. Especially after I got my hair cut after way too long. I cruised into the grocery store and grabbed a cart and things took a weird turn. 

        The cart I grabbed had....problems. One front wheel wasn't touching the ground and the other front wheel REALLY wanted to turn to the right. I just went with it, because I wasn't there for many items. I thought I could handle it. The cart guy was trying to steer one of those unbelievably long rows of carts from outside into the cart return and I didn't want him to think....anything? About me or my picky cart issues. Off I went, to the meat department to find some dinner inspiration, fighting this ridiculous cart through a busy produce section and around several errant children in the baking area. I made it to the meats, found a pork roast that looked like I might want to feed it to my family tonight, and a chicken to roast for Sunday. When I put them in the cart, their combined five pounds made Terrible Cart get worse, and I started laughing at myself for sticking with it. I still had to go to the frozen foods and produce. But, I am a stubborn lady, and I wound my way around to frozen foods, slowly adding a few items here and there, nothing heavy. When I got to the produce section, I almost lost hope, because there were FAR to many people shopping for me to have any hope of not accidentally taking someone out with my Terrible Cart. So, I parked the cart out of the way, grabbed my purse and ran back and forth to it with random produce. Does this sound like a lot of work for a stupid grocery cart? It was. Too much work. 

        I paid for my stuff, went to the cart return area and promptly switched my bags into another cart, because NO WAY am I fighting this rat bastard cart out in the parking lot. I parked Terrible Cart off to the side, and a gentleman walked up and I said, "Don't take that one, it's the worst!" And his response was, "Was it the cart, or the driver? You just need a little muscle." 

       I turned and stared at him, while holding a bag with a whole chicken in it, and offered my silence. I pushed my groceries, in my Not So Terrible Cart, out the door. I thought about the exchange the entire way home. 

        Here's the thing, Random Grocery Store Stranger: You can go ahead and underestimate me. I've been doing it my entire life. I've doubted myself since forever. I've always been willing to make things harder for me if it meant making things easier for someone else. I don't know how to reset my default setting from Undervalue, but I can give you a list of things I've tried that didn't work. Thanks to my genetics, my frame is slight, but it's strong enough to carry the burden of crippling anxiety around everyday. So, I'm not sure it's a muscle problem. 

        Random Stranger, I made 479 right turns with Terrible Cart, and I warned you, so you wouldn't have to, and you paid me back with what I am sure you thought was charming humor, but I have to tell you, I was not charmed. Your response was like a slap in my face. It WAS the driver. It was my willingness to battle a damn faulty grocery cart, rather than let someone see that things weren't going perfectly for me. Logic tells me that the cart guy wouldn't have even bothered to notice me switching carts, but anxiety tells me that he'll think I'm too picky and hard to please. One side of me knows that nobody is looking, and nobody cares, but the anxiety tells me not to stand out in any way. One part of me is having a chill Saturday trip to the grocery store, while the anxiety is telling me to get from Point A to Point B as quickly as possible, without drawing any kind of attention to myself. Living with anxiety is like, well......battling a faulty grocery cart. I get through it, but I make it a lot harder than it has to be. Also, Random Grocery Store Stranger, may I say to you that I'm not going to be like this forever. The way I know that is that I recognize it. Next time, I will exchange the cart before I put any groceries in it. Next time, I will say what I wanted to say after I left, which was something like "Bless your heart" but less southern. 

Isaiah 41:10- So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand.